THE MARIJUANA RESIDUE EPIDEMIC
Scourge of a city!
Eight-part series starts Sunday in the Reading Eagle
Plowing the full resources of its staff into investigating the latest drug menace bringing the city to its knees, Reading Eagle will launch an in-depth series on the perils of deadly marijuana residue, editor Harry Deitz announced.
"Pot residue is ruining the lives of countless young people across our region," Deitz said, pointing the high-profile bust in the pages of today's morning paper involving a former standout Schuylkill Valley athlete who was nabbed with a marijuana grinder inside a laundry basket in his dorm room. He faces charges of intent to use marijuana paraphernalia.
"If a blaring 48-point headline won't scare these kids, maybe nothing will," Deitz lamented.
The Eagle's investigative unit has turned up evidence that pot residue is not confined to just grinders, but also can be found in pipes, bongs, screens, ashtrays, hairbrushes, shag rugs, and antique CD cases.
"This menace is lurking everywhere," Deitz said. "Parents can't sleep."
Deitz will supplement the first part of the series with a heartfelt column detailing his experiences growing up in the Schuylkill Valley region.
"We used to sit around all day grooving to John Denver," Deitz said. "It was a more innocent time back then."
The paper was inspired to pursue the investigation after an outpouring of citizen comments that accompanied the online article reporting on the busted former SV athlete:
NOTE: In order to protect the athlete from additional humiliation, this blog will not link to the Eagle article.
Se what has Berks County's most famous celebrity DJ been up to lately?
Giving back, giving back to the community, because his heart is as wide as all outdoors:
Unanswered questions: Can this be the springboard to Jon Gosselin joining the Beat 1 team at the new Apple Music? Will inveterate runner Kate be in the fashionista field? Will Jon pump her up before during or after the race? Will the TLC crews be there to chronicle the action, perhaps via a drone's-eye view?
One can only wait and wonder.
From today's morning paper comes this vague item, because the morning paper is nothing if not vague (but surely experts at posting duplicate datelines):
South Heidelberg Township, Pa. S. HEIDELBERG TWP. - The South Heidelberg Township supervisors have agreed to research a possible ordinance to prohibit the flying of drones above private properties without the permission of owners.
Ronald R. Seaman, township manager, said Thursday that a resident had strongly complained about drone overflights.
Whomever might that resident be? Is there anybody living in those parts who might be victim to paparazzi armed with the latest technology?
Erratum: Casa de la Gosselin is within the borders of Lower Heidelberg, so maybe the pap have hit the wrong property.
HOLLYWOOD — Spurred on by the dazzling reviews for the new "Terminator" franchise reboot, a major Hollywood producer is locked in deep negotiations to sign Jon Gosselin to topline a satirical spinoff based on the former reality-TV dad's own wacky experiences, a source close to the project reports.
Gosselin will play a has-been celebrity afflicted with a case of the sads because his bitchy ex-wife is still pimping his eight kids on a cable series, according to a leaked copy of the script. A time machine allows the Jon character to travel back to 2003, where he intends to undergo a vasectomy to prevent his ex from getting preggers and thus avert the reality show from ever launching.
Meanwhile, one of the couple's sextuplets also will journey to the past from a point further in the future to attempt to thwart the Jon character's plan, a plan which if it were successful would negate the tup's own birth.
"Parallel timelines, mutiverses, comedy, pathos, revenge — this story has it all," one insider close to the project gushed.
Veteran director Uwe Boll is rumored to be in line to helm the project.
"While the story dynamics would seem to mirror the relationship between Jon and Kate," Bolls aid, "I really view it as more of a parallel with Ben and Jennifer."
Because the title "The Sperminator" already has been appropriated by a porn film, the working title is "The Artificial Inseminator."
A worldwide summer 2016 release is planned.
A new Christian-themed restaurant chain will soon launch nationwide that will allow its employees to practice their religious convictions without backlash or penalty.
Called Smite, the family-dining chain will provide detailed instructions on how Bible-worshiping servers and other employees can stay true to their deeply held religious values while still providing quality service to patrons, announced Larry Craig, a former United States senator and president of the new chain funded by Cruisecock Inc., a joint investment by Senator Ted Cruz and the Koch brothers.
"At Smite, employees will not have to fear they will be terminated or face legal action if their beliefs prevent them from fulfilling requests that run counter to the Holy Bible," Craig explained.
For example, if a customer orders lobster, a Christian employee is instructed to respond, "I'm sorry. I can't serve you shellfish today. Might I interest you in unleavened bread instead?"
Similarly, a waitress who notices that a male customer sports a five o'clock shadow can reasonably object that the gentleman is in violation of Leviticus for shaving his whiskers and say, "I'm sorry, I won't be your server today," Craig elaborated.
Craig said there will be no restrictions on questions that employees may pose to patrons in order to determine whether service will violate their religious principles, such as whether a woman did not bleed when she lost her virginity, if a man ever had sex with his daughter-in-law, if the couple has murdered a slave, or whether a man is circumcised.
If a customer orders a cheeseburger, forbidden under some persons' religious liberties because it mixes meat and dairy, servers can recommend the alternate "Santorum," a sandwich consisting of black truffle oil, ground sausage, and frothy corn.
A minister will be on duty at Smite all hours to hear confessions.
In another of its misguided attempts to always play things square down the middle, the morning newspaper located one merchant who wants to fly the rebel flag over Leesport — and sell them to other rubes — and ran the front-page story under the headline "issue divides public."
If there is one issue that is not dividing the public 50-50 this week, nor even 60-40, it is whether the confederate flag should fly over public buildings. Dylann Roof's rampage in the historic Charleston church not only did not spark a race war, it may have been the night they drove old Dixie down.
As for whether dipstick rednecks should be able to buy one to flap over their pickups next to their truck nutz, well, that's an issue for the free market, as it should be, and many flag makers no longer want to offend the significant portion of the population who think the Virginia battle flag is a symbol of treason, bigotry, and hate.
Marty Weinberg, the bald guy who runs the Bald Eagle Flags Company stand at the Leesport Farmer's Market, lamented how the free market is taking away his Stars and Bars:
"American manufacturers are not making them anymore," he said. "It's going to end up being an import item."
Weinberg said his suppliers, one by one, are informing him they are no longer manufacturing Confederate flags...
"I can't believe how they are cowering," Weinberg said. "They're panicking, I don't understand it."
Next thing you know, commie Obamie will be comin' for his weppuns.
There were too other interviewees, along with the Pitbull lookalike, including a "sardonic" shopper who offered "This is America, ain't it?" but apparently did not want his mug plastered in the paper.
As for how the Reading Eagle feels about this divisive issue, here's what the editorial board had to say today on its opinion page:
We cannot help but be excited about the three free concerts that are going to be held in downtown Reading between Aug. 5 and Oct. 24. They are the kind of things that usually are reserved for Philadelphia on Independence Day or some other community many times larger than this city.
Why, yes, that is an "editorial" about how a groovy trio of free concerts will draw thousands to Penn Square. The flap over the flag – "issue divides public" — is an issue for another week because editorials must be written at least one week in advance in order for the editorial board to chew these matters over in its considerable cud.
There is plenty of other good reading on the opinion page today, such as this science from an Upper Tulpehocken reader who said the way geologists date rocks is a lot of baloney:
In one example, rocks known to be less than 100 years old were dated at between 270,000 and 3.9 billion years old.
That letter is "sourced" from a couple of creationist-"scientists," so it passes muster with the Eagle fact-checkers and is not just an instance of a reader talking out his ass.
The paper did offer this online poll question today: Should the Confederate battle flag be removed from the grounds of the South Carolina state Capitol?
A more apt question, of course, would be to ask readers whether anyone should continue to fly the confederate flag if that issue does indeed divide Americans.
Me, I'd like to hold one of those 100-year-old rocks and see if it's still hot.
...but it's Reading Township in Adams County. (Oops.)
The best of the best is State College. But you already knew that. When the kids aren't overturning cars because they are mad about Joe Paterno.
Berks actually does sneak on to the list.
Kutztown at eight.
The Spring Township in the top ten is not ours, but one in Centre County (again), because ours has malls and suburban blight.