An important message from Harry Deitz

Your morning newspaper is now more valuable. Why? Because we just told you so, and when we talk, you listen. Look at the upper right-hand corner of the first page. It now says $1.00 instead of 75 cents. See. More value. Instantly. Today.

What is one mere extra quarter, two bits, in the great scheme of journalism things? Cut back on your Starbucks, you cheapskate caffeine phreaks. News is what matters. Even if it is sometimes “olds,” such as our Page2 celebrity gossip column for Monday morning written on a Friday afternoon because nobody from our Dead (scratch that, Life) department wants to work on the weekend because of SENIORITY!

We cover everything, in and around Berks, better than Starbucks. We reported just this morning on the district attorney's decision regarding the shooting of some kids by a Reading cop. That shooting was justified. Trust the DA. We did not want to rankle his plumage by asking why the cop fired nine times after the children backed their auto toward him, nor how fast the auto was traveling, nor why the cop felt it necessary to fire nine times — BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! (Note to copy chief: Am I repeating myself? Is that nine times? Do we still have a copy chief? Yes. Layoffs coming next month. Check.)

You still can find the weekly Redner’s circular in our Sunday paper. (Hint: You do not want to shop at Giants. They suck. They switched their weekly circular to the Merchandiser. Who wants to read a greasy Merchandiser?  You won't find the latest scoopabout the district attorney and the Reading cop shooting there, now would you?)

Our Sunday paper is still a terrific deal, even without that lame-o Giant circular. Your single-copy price only went up to $2.00 from $1.75. See, isn't that a huge savings? We could have raised the price to $3.00, but we did not, because we care about you, our readers!

Shenandoah is only the fifth worst dump where you can live in Pennsylvania (da fuk)

Here we go, a listicle from some folks we never heard of over at RoadSnacks, ranking the 10 worst places to live in the great state of Pennsylvania, which, one has to admit, is a pretty depressing place to live anywhere, any place. (Property taxes, corruption, draconian pot laws, etc. etc.)

Here is the report on Shendo (462dafuk), my home turf as a lad:

Shenandoah is a borough located in the mining region 100 miles northwest of Philadelphia. Anyone with a pulse can purchase a home here; average homes sell for $33,000.

Say what you want about ‘cheap living.’ Homes are priced by demand, and there’s absolutely no demand to live in Shenandoah. The average family earns about $28,000 a year here.

This is a highly authoritative study. They save pixels by using single quote marks. The photos accompanying each community do not match up. Here is the photo they claim is Shendo:


It is not Shendo. It is green and nice. The streets are paved. There are railroad tracks. I want to live there.


Jon Gosselin will pump up runners, itching to land a gig with Beats 1 radio

Se what has Berks County's most famous celebrity DJ been up to lately?

Giving back, giving back to the community, because his heart is as wide as all outdoors:

Unanswered questions: Can this be the springboard to Jon Gosselin joining the Beat  1 team at the new Apple Music? Will inveterate runner Kate be in the fashionista field? Will Jon pump her up before during or after the race? Will the TLC crews be there to chronicle the action, perhaps via a drone's-eye view?

One can only wait and wonder.

Kate Gosselin (could be) hopping mad that drones are buzzing her South Heidelberg property

From today's morning paper comes this vague item, because the morning paper is nothing if not vague (but surely experts at posting duplicate datelines):

South Heidelberg Township, Pa. S. HEIDELBERG TWP. - The South Heidelberg Township supervisors have agreed to research a possible ordinance to prohibit the flying of drones above private properties without the permission of owners.

Ronald R. Seaman, township manager, said Thursday that a resident had strongly complained about drone overflights.

Whomever might that resident be? Is there anybody living in those parts who might be victim to paparazzi armed with the latest technology?

Just asking.

Erratum: Casa de la Gosselin is within the borders of Lower Heidelberg, so maybe the pap have hit the wrong property.

Jon Gosselin eyed to star in kookie "Terminator" knockoff

HOLLYWOOD — Spurred on by the dazzling reviews for the new "Terminator" franchise reboot, a major Hollywood producer is locked in deep negotiations to sign Jon Gosselin to topline a satirical spinoff based on the former reality-TV dad's own wacky experiences, a source close to the project reports.

Gosselin will play a has-been celebrity afflicted with a case of the sads because his bitchy ex-wife is still pimping his eight kids on a cable series, according to a leaked copy of the script. A time machine allows the Jon character to travel back to 2003, where he intends to undergo a vasectomy to prevent his ex from getting preggers and thus avert the reality show from ever launching.

Meanwhile, one of the couple's sextuplets also will journey to the past from a point further in the future to attempt to thwart the Jon character's plan, a plan which if it were successful would negate the tup's own birth.

"Parallel timelines, mutiverses, comedy, pathos, revenge — this story has it all," one insider close to the project gushed.

Veteran director Uwe Boll is rumored to be in line to helm the project.

"While the story dynamics would seem to mirror the relationship between Jon and Kate," Bolls aid, "I really view it as more of a parallel with Ben and Jennifer."

Because the title "The Sperminator" already has been appropriated by a porn film, the working title is "The Artificial Inseminator."

A worldwide summer 2016 release is planned.