Reading Eagle launches exciting initiative to slash city crime to an all-time low

 Peter D. Barbey...crime fighter

Peter D. Barbey...crime fighter

From the bowels of the Reading Eagle comes this report about a new strategy, designed to shape public perception about the sad state of our city, where folks are gunned down for refusing to offer a cigarette to a stranger, or lie red and dead within walking distance of the Santander Center and the beautiful soon-to-be Doubletree Hotel across the street.

Henceforth, the morning newspaper will never use the word "city" in a headline atop a crime story about somebody doing something bad.

No more "City man" this or "City teen" that.

Wrong connotation. Bad. Bad.

The Chamber of Commerce does not like that.

Such is the edict from Peter D. Barbey, CEO of the morning newspaper, also known around the newsroom, like a Batman villain, as The Meddler.

The word has gone out to the copy desk.

Obey. Or be fired.

Harry Deitz Jr., the actual editor, will not challenge Barbey's lunacy, because he has no stones.

Morning newspaper shares amazing secrets on how you can thwart crooks from stealing packages off your porch

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Grinches are stealing packages off people's porches, in June and October and some even in December, so the morning paper is offering some helpful tips on how you can avoid prevent the crap from China you ordered via Amazon ending up in somebody else's yard sale.

A sampling (snark in parentheses):

  • Delivery at work: Consider sending the package to your workplace, or to a family member, friend or neighbor - someone whom you know will be there to receive it. (The ideal way to get your credit card flagged — thieves use stolen cards to try to ship to alternate addresses, usually futilely. If this strategy does work, the folks in the mailroom will love you)
  • Request vacation hold: You can request a vacation hold on packages up to 14 days. (This will put all your mail on hold, including magazines, holiday cards, and bills — including your newspaper subscription notice.)
  • Give delivery instructions: Delivery services will allow you to specify where you want the package delivered on your property, i.e., front porch, back porch, behind a planter or inside the storm door. (If the Grinches are staking out your deliveries, as the article states, they simply will retrieve your box from behind the potted plant.)
  • Ask for ID: FedEx, UPS and postal workers all carry ID. If you are suspicious about a delivery person, ask to see their ID and if they don't have one, call the police. (Brilliant — if crooks are snatching packages off your porch, ask the delivery guy to flash his badge.)