Write your own instant Donald Trump song or short story or screenplay (yes, you can!)

Here's a fun sandbox you can play in all day.

It's called the Plot Generator, simple enough, and its algorithms let you craft short fiction or songs lyrics, in a variety of styles, in no time flat. Here's what the interface looks like:

After clicking song lyrics generator, I selected summertime song and filled in the text fields. (It's a long list, so a few at the bottom are cut off in this screen grab.)

And here is the result:

Catchy as hell, huh?

Can't wait to get started next on a work of horror fiction.

 

 

 

Shenandoah is only the fifth worst dump where you can live in Pennsylvania (da fuk)

Here we go, a listicle from some folks we never heard of over at RoadSnacks, ranking the 10 worst places to live in the great state of Pennsylvania, which, one has to admit, is a pretty depressing place to live anywhere, any place. (Property taxes, corruption, draconian pot laws, etc. etc.)

Here is the report on Shendo (462dafuk), my home turf as a lad:

Shenandoah is a borough located in the mining region 100 miles northwest of Philadelphia. Anyone with a pulse can purchase a home here; average homes sell for $33,000.

Say what you want about ‘cheap living.’ Homes are priced by demand, and there’s absolutely no demand to live in Shenandoah. The average family earns about $28,000 a year here.

This is a highly authoritative study. They save pixels by using single quote marks. The photos accompanying each community do not match up. Here is the photo they claim is Shendo:

 

It is not Shendo. It is green and nice. The streets are paved. There are railroad tracks. I want to live there.

Dafuk.

Reading Eagle reader proves once and for all that Obama is a fake president

Michelle Bachmann could not do it. Donald Trump couldn't either. But, today, an astute reader of our morning newspaper has provided conclusive evidence that Barack Hussein Obama is not a United States citizen and thus is ineligible for the presidency.

Mr. Boehner, be prepared to swing your impeachment gavel.

Here is the complete text of that blockbuster epistle:

Editor:

I agree with what you printed regarding the eligibility of a person who wishes to run for president ("Law clear for 62 years as to who can run for presidency," Reading Eagle, Feb. 10). I have argued against those who profess otherwise.

However I have always held that the birth certificate that was released by the White House was inaccurate. The birth certificate that was released lists President Barack Obama's birth as Aug. 4, 1961, and lists his father, 25, as being born in Kenya. This wouldn't be seen as anything of concern, except the fact that Kenya did not exist until 1963, two years after Obama was born. How could Obama's father been born in a country that did not yet exist?

Kenya was formed in 1963 and was known as the British East Africa Protectorate.

On the birth certificate, the listed place of birth is Kapi'olani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital. This is another error as the hospitals in question were called KauiKeolani Children's Hospital and Kapi'olani Maternity Home. The name did not change until a 1978 merger.

My feeling is that an original birth certificate did not exist, and when one was created these obvious mistakes were made.

Another fact was Obama's father was listed as African-American, a term that was not used at that time.

I just find it incredulous that facts such as these are blatantly overlooked and not dispelled.

Leon Mull

Ruscombmanor Township

To which, editorial page editor Jim "polyester" Homan added one dig/correction:

Editor's note: The colony of Kenya was established in 1920. The East African Protectorate existed from 1895 to 1920.

Quibble, quibble. This is the most earth-shaking, bone-shattering piece of information the Eagle will deliver until, well, tomorrow, when Harry Deitz will share pooplets of humor about how delightful it was observing his grandkids get potty trained. Watch for it.

Meanwhile blog followers, you can fact check yourself with this copy of the long-form released by the White House:

But what do we really know about this Leon Mull fellow? Is he a true-blue American trying to rescue America from Kenyan-Muslim tyranny? Or is he a spy for Putin? He doesn't appear to be on Facebook, and his Google footprint is meager, just a link to another letter to the editor about veterans.

What other pearls can Mr. Mull share? What does he know about the 9/11 false-flag conspiracy? The world is listening.

Everything in Africa is immense (especially Africa)

Ever since I was a lad in sister school, I have been familiar with a map of the world that looks like this:

It is called a Mercator projection, probably because it was designed by some chap named Mercator, and it is considered (by whom?) the best way to project a representation of a globe on a wall. Now, thanks to a website called IFL Science, we learn that it is just cartoon cartography.

Just how big do you figure Africa is?

Bigger than the United States? About the same size as China? Five Australias?

Go to a globe and check right now. (You don't have a globe? Oh.)

After spending 62 years on this good Earth, not one day of which was spent in Africa, I discovered something startling that was lurking right under my nose. 

Africa is one damn big continent.

Just how big? Lookee here:

Drawn to correct scale, you can fit inside Africa a whole lot of land...the United States, China, India, most of Europe, and have room left over for maybe ten Chris Christies and perhaps a chunk of Mars.

Mercator's got some 'splaining to do.

There's got to be a bar bet in there somewhere.